How Horses Schtup

So Phil, what does the “LF” mean by the $60,000?” I asked. “That means you must pay the money when the mare (the female horse) has a foal (a baby horse) and it stands on its legs.” Phil (not his real name) was showing me the horse farm’s brochure, which was top drawer, high-glossed perfection, the kind where you can see you fingerprints. Beautiful Bluegrass sunsets, white fences and…horses. Spectacular!

I began to wonder about this horse breeding business in a way I never really thought of before—the mechanics of how they get the stallions to “perform” so many times. (Phil said the studs went at it practically non-stop).

“Hmm, so do they have to ‘stimulate’ the stallions?”

“No, they’re pretty much ready.”

“Well, is there much of a courtship, I mean, is the female just as ready to, uh, copulate?”

“First we put a ‘teaser’ in there with a mare to see if she’s ready to mate.”
“A teaser?”

“Yeah, we bring another male in the breeding barn and see if the mare is receptive.”

“And then you take the ‘teaser’ horse out and bring the stallion in?”

“Right.”

“Hmmm, sounds cruel to the teaser horse. I mean, you get him all hot and bothered and then just yank him out. Do you get him a…substitute mare, a concubine, some kind of magazine at least?”

“Nah, they just go back to the field. Ernie is my favorite; he’s been at it a long time. He’s real cool, knows what to expect.”

“Okay, when you bring the stallion in to do his thing what’s that like?”

“Well, we have the barn, with padded walls, and put the mare and stallion in there together.”

“So-o-o-o, how long does it take for the parties to, uh, what, make love? Mount? Do it? Is there any foreplay, any romance? Do you have posters, soft music, hay-scented fragrances or anything to help get them in the mood?”

“Nah, it’s pretty much horse-rape, the stud just goes after her. Sometimes she’s easy, sometimes not. It’s over pretty quick.”

And that’s how future Derby winners are made, as well as the thousands more that just eat grass and look good in the fields and farms of our beloved Bluegrass.

Rfd 7/8/06